List Sixty Two.

A (Best Of!) List Of The Top Napkins Of 2008.

1. The pink and yellow polka-dotted one that matches my pink and yellow polka-dotted jumpsuit and my pink and yellow polka-dotted luggage set, but not my blue and yellow polka-dotted socks.
2. The plain red one. It's really plain. But basic. It absorbs rather well.
3. The one that caught on fire once. I don't know what color it was originally. However, it saved my life, back in the Great Napkin Fire of 1988.
4. The cotton rayon green plaid one that once belonged to my Scottish uncle Thaddeus.
5. The one I used at that restaurant when I was 4 and it covered my whole torso.
6. The one my best friend bought for me because it reminded her of vikings.
7. The one that I can't tell you what it looks like because FBI agents use it.
8. The one with the picture of Jean-Luc Picard on it.
9. The blue one with the ketchup stains.
10. The monogrammed napkin of IAW that I bought at a yard sale once.

List Sixty One

A list about lists:
Select articles from Wiki-How that I have found particularly inspiring.

1. How to Avoid Looking Like an American Tourist
2. How to Avoid Getting Shot by a Police Officer
3. How to Visualize Your New Chatroom Friend
4. How to Have a Successful Garden Gnome Community
5. How to Get Rid of Lice With Orange Juice
6. How to Understand Philosophical Determinism
7. How to Handle a Nervous Pony
8. How to Survive a Freestyle Rap Battle
9. How to Calculate Pi by Throwing Frozen Hot Dogs
10. How to Make a Diaper Cake

List Sixty.

A list of what some countries call their dollar store franchises:

1. Mexico: Waldo's Dollar Mart
2. England: Poundland
3. Denmark: Tiger
4. France: Monoprix
5. Sweden: Bubbeltian
6. Australia: Crazy Clark's
7. Japan: Cando
8. Malta: Tal-Lira
9. United States: Deal$
and my personal favorite:
10. Canada: Your Dollar Store With More

List Fifty Nine.

A list of differences between mannequins and humans:

1. Mannequin life span is estimated to top out in the thirty-something range, although the elder ones will swear that they're just twenty-somethings.
2. Human beings consume a great deal less amount of hairspray per capita than mannequins.
3. To describe a mannequin as having "a stick up [his/her] butt" is just a way of life for some, whereas for humans, the connotations are typically negative concerning certain conservative attributes.
4. Fashion is the number one priority of mannequins, while human beings site "survival" as their most important activity.
5. Mannequins are in the top ten in the Guinness Book of World Records for not-blinking (statues, or other eyeless things currently place higher), while human beings are not even considered for this feat.
6. Real estate prices for mannequins goes for a lot cheaper than humans, being that all most mannequins require is a storefront window and no other amenities.
7. Most humans celebrate religious holidays; most mannequins are atheist.
8. There's only ever been one popular diet method for mannequins - not eating - but humans have endured countless waves of fad diets (Atkins, South Beach, etc.)
9. Nearly all mannequins call Robert Palmer their favorite musician, but human beings tend to be all over the map, admiring singers who run the gamut from Bruce Springsteen to Boy George.
10. Crime rate amongst mannequins lies in the 0 percent range, as human beings commit pretty much all of the violence-related occurrences in the world.

List Fifty Eight.

A list of OTHER explanations given at the freedictionary for the acronym WTF (yes, the obvious was not listed, so I am left in the dark about this crazy internet phenomenon):

1. World Taekwondo Federation
2. Welcome to Finland
3. Wednesday Thursday Friday
4. Wireless Telecommunications Facilities
5. Why the Frown?
6. Women's Track and Field
7. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
8. Write to File
9. Where's the Fire?
10. Weekly Top Five

List Fifty Seven.

A list of suggested domain names suggested to me, J. Astra Brinkmann, over at godaddy.com.

1. www.TheAstraCasino.com
2. www.TheBrinkmannGas.com
3. www.AstraZenGuide.com
4. www.SuperBrinkmann.com
5. www.YourBrinkmannGrill.com
6. www.TheAstraVentures.com
7. www.BestBrinkmannPartner.com
8. www.TheBrinkmannSchwarzwald.com
9. www.AstraBrinkmannWorld.com (why did this take so long to get to?)
10. www.AstraDirect.com

List Fifty Six.

A *pictured* list of some particularly bearded dead white males:

1. Norman Kittson



2. James Russell Lowell



3. Johann Strauss II



4. Mathew Brady



5. Carl Schurz



6. José Antonio Romualdo Pacheco, Jr.



7. Maximilian I of Mexico



8. Fitzhugh Lee



9. James L. Kemper



10. Finally, "Grandpa Beard" himself, Joseph Emerson Brown

List Fifty Five.

A list of reasons why procrastinating is severely more exciting than doing your laundry.

1. Laundry is for plebeians.
2. Depending on your living situation, sometimes it's a coin-op. Procrastinating is totally free.
3. There are probably way more trendy t-shirts you can buy regarding procrastination than ones talking about laundry.
4. Laundry doesn't allow you to do anything but wait. Procrastinating is a versatile past-time, ranging from listening to music, petting a cat, or even sky-diving (only for the extreme procrastinator).
5. Procrastinating has the Latin prefix "Pro" which is positive in meaning. Most people don't know this, but laundry is an ancient Etruscan word for "must be avoided at all costs because the task is so boring."
6. There are more accidents associated with laundry than procrastinating. For example: the tragedy of sweater-shrinkage, or the slipping into a puddle whilst carrying a load of FRESHLY CLEANED LAUNDRY. Procrastinating rarely results in harm.
7. Procrastination is much more easily rhymed than laundry. This proves to be very useful whenever you find yourself in a freestyle competition.
8. Folding, hanging and putting away laundry is so much more exhausting than procrastinating.
9. Laundry is a chore that is a never-ending cycle of horror. You can stop or resume procrastinating whenever you like.
10. In creating this list, I have effectively procrastinated and perhaps produced some chuckles. When I go and perform my laundry duty, no one laughs at me, and I get upset.

List Fifty Four.

A list of books Lillian Jackson Braun would write if she were no longer a technophobe* and wished to change her demographic to cater to a hipper audience:

1. The Cat Who Always Blogged About It.
2. The Cat Who Can Has Cheezburger.
3. The Cat Who Was On A Reality TV Show.
4. The Cat Who Still Used Napster.
5. The Cat Who Only Drank Soymilk Because It Was Afraid Of The Hormones Found In Cow's Milk.
6. The Cat Who Preferred Facebook To Myspace.
7. The Cat Who Was On My Stuff.**
8. The Cat Who Never Missed An Episode Of Grey's Anatomy.
9. The Cat Who Could Text Faster Than It Could Speak.
10. The Cat Who Bought An iPhone.

*she apparently writes all of her novels on a typewriter.
**really clever, don't you think?

List Fifty-Three

Recent Baby-related headlines from Foxnews.com

1. Baby Weighs 30 Pounds, Lives on French Fry Diet
2. Baby With Tumor Born Twice, Now Healthy 4-Week-Old
3. Drunk Baby Born '15 Times' Over the Limit
4. Woman Unaware of Pregnancy Gives Birth at Party
5. Nanny Rips Baby Girl From Jaws of Coyote in California Sandbox
6. Jessica Alba Gives Birth to Baby Girl
7. Tori Spelling Gives Birth to Baby Girl
8. Baby Girl Born With Two Faces Worshipped as Reincarnated God
9. Couple Arrested for Putting Days-Old Baby Up for Sale On Craigslist
10. Huge Flying Reptiles May Have Eaten Baby Dinosaurs

List Fifty Two

Best Not Appropriate for Work Spam Subject Lines (Part I):

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

List Fifty One

Top Ten Non-Violent but Satisfying Things to do to People You Don't Like

1. Unfriend them on your social networking site of choice.
2. Spray paint them.
3. Send them a singing telegram delivered by a clown.
4. Make a deal with Zeus so that it always rains on their parade..
5. Teach their cat how to talk.
6. Fill their gas tank with tarantulas.
7. Program their computer to play Beyonce without cessation every time it is powered on.
8. Rig it so that on Halloween, all the houses they go to are only dispensing candy corn.
9. Tell them Santa Claus isn't real.
10. Switch their vegetarian chili for beef stew, or, switch their beef stew for vegetarian chili.

List Fifty

pornos that maureen dowd (or myself) might buy, if they existed, which they should, i must admit:

1. the new york times presents a very special night with frank rich
2. ferryboat to scum island
3. animal cracker orgy disaster
4. twelve penises fight over one lonely vagina
5. lobbyists who dare!
6. i left my heart in rhodesia: a child sex slave case study
7. cocked: an ode to dennis farina
8. yellow rose of sex-as
9. trannies grannies, and dolphins: the golden girls wild seaworld adventure
10. department of the treasury gets down and dirty

List Forty Nine.

A list of items that mayonnaise could be a stunt double for:

1. Cake icing.
2. Sour milk.
3. Toothpaste.
4. Grout.
5. Lubricant.
6. Deoderant.
7. Sunscreen.
8. Snot.
9. Claymation Santa mustache.
10. Unicorn hairspray.

List Forty Eight

Items confiscated by the police from the backseat of Lil Jon's pimped out ride:

1. The Complete Idiots Guide to Baby Massage
2. Several bottles of vintage Cabernet Sauvignon
3. A feathered head-dress
4. A Dictionary
5. Lil Wayne
6. Lil Bo
7. Lil Kim
8. Lil Romeo
9. Lil Weezy
10. Salad Tongs

List Forty Seven

Words that pair well with the Suffix "-ista"

1. Car Washista
2. Jellybeanista
3. Scientologista
4. Genghis Khanista
5. Pepperonista
6. Whooping Coughista
7. Alabamista
8. Pedophilista
9. Jeep Grand Cherrokista
10. Taoista

List Forty Six

The Top Ten Images that Appear when One Searches for "Anything" on Google Images (can you spot the NSFW?):

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.


8.


9.


10.

List Forty Five

The Top Ten Ways to Avoid Being Sunburned this Summer:

1. Always stand under a cloud.
2. Replace your skin with those sun visors for car windshields.
3. Have an umbrella surgically implanted in your skull.
4. Rebuild the ozone layer.
5. Eat sunscreen for breakfast.
6. Get bitten by a vampire.
7. Take up knitting.
8. Dig a hole to China.
9. Construct a covered walkway from your front door to anywhere you might possibly ever go.
10. Run for President and, upon your victory, declare a War on Cancer and nuke the sun.

List Forty Four.

A list of things that are unpleasant to touch:

1. Hydrochloric acid.
2. Pool algae.
3. Certain people.
4. Shed hair that has collected in the shower drain.
5. Porcupine quills.
6. Festering open wounds.
7. Soggy bread.
8. Poison arrow frogs.
9. Boiling water.
10. Grease stains.

List Forty Three.

A list of exciting things that google autofills when I type certain letters in the search box:

1. w: wang center for the performing arts
2. b: buttocks parts
3. s: salacious dictionary
4. f: fergie pee pants
5. a: alligator vs crocodile
6. r: robo-sapians expansion team
7. h: heidi montag spencer pratt engagement
8. e: eliza does NOT count as a girlfriend
9. m: marky mark and the funky bunch
10. y: you don't drink, you don't smoke

List Forty Two.

Top 10 reasons why Laura is cool enough to write Lists for this blog:

1. She steals Sperm Donor Advertisements from the T.
2. She has met Tron Guy.
3. Her favorite variety of fish paste is Lizardfish paste.
4. Luigi > Mario.
5. Her favorite vagina related song is "New Vagina" by the Bloodhoud Gang.
6. Despite (or maybe because of) being a vegetarian, she thinks food tastes better if it is shaped like or resembles an animal. Preferably a cute animal. Examples of this include Gummi bears, Hello-Kitty noodles, and Mrs Butterworth.
7. She has met Bob Dole.
8. When she is not Laura, she is actually George, and we all know girls with boy names are kinda cool.
9. She filed her taxes on April 14th at 4pm.
10. She can weld.

List Forty One.

Top Ten Things Bill Clinton Might Eat for Breakfast.

1. A burrito.
2. A can of tomato soup.
3. The hearts of small children.
4. Reynolds wrap.
5. Extremely erotic spandex swimwear.
6. Argentina.
7. Chris Wallace.
8. Peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
9. Crack cocaine.
10. Chelsea Clinton.

List Forty.

Top Ten Reasons Claire is Cool Enough to Write Lists on this Blog:

1. She has never seen Astra naked.
2. Her nose is pert.
3. She once sang "Happy Birthday" to Albert Belle.
4. You might not know this, but she is short.
5. She is really into nationalism.
6. She has lots of rocks.
7. Her hair is pretty cool.
8. She is an award winner.
9. Her mother looks like Peggy Hill.
10. Only she can prevent forest fires.

List Thirty Nine.

A list of high-priced real estate if we lived in the world of cockroaches:

1. Under kitchen sinks.
2. Ramshackle buildings.
3. Sewer drains.
4. Garbage cans.
5. Darkened corners of garages.
6. Backyard compost piles.
7. Behind cardboard boxes in closets.
8. Basements of any sort.
9. Between stacks of cinder blocks.
10. With the boogeyman.

List Thirty Eight.

A list of things that are invisible:

1. Flatulence.
2. Ghosts.
3. The invisible man.
4. Honking noises.
5. Neutrons.
6. Certain lolcat accessories.
7. Deep thoughts.
8. Electronic pet fences.
9. Clever chameleons.
10. Gamma rays.

List Thirty Seven.

A list of marvelously useless microcosmic actions:

1. Searching the term "google" on google.
2. Inviting yourself to an instant message chat.
3. Auto-cannibalism.
4. Spraying perfume on a bottle of perfume.
5. Doctors making appointments to see a doctor.
6. High-fiving an overhanging sign with the sole word "five" as its message.
7. Punching a bowl of punch.
8. Placing a toaster inside of an oven.
9. Visiting the "ATM machine."
10. Writing lists about lists.

List Thirty Six.

A list of things that North and South Dakota have in common:

1. The word "Dakota."
2. They were both admitted to the union on November 2, 1889.
3. They have the same state grass, which is the "Western Wheatgrass."
4. Lutherans make up the largest religious group in both states.
5. Approximately 2 percent of the population speaks German at home.
6. Interstate 29 runs through both states.
7. Their state capitals are not their largest cities.
8. Neither state has the last name "Fanning."
9. They share state borders with Minnesota and Montana.
10. At least 88 percent of the population is white.

List Thirty Five.

A list of things to look forward to when you get old:

1. Being expected to wear really heinous and/or outlandish clothing on days other than Halloween.
2. The legitimate ability to tell anyone to "respect their elders" and actually have it apply in your favor.
3. The potential to take out your dentures at inopportune moments and possibly embarrass your family.
4. The knowledge that a good part of your descriptive vernacular could make you sound more fascinating by default (how cool of a word is "humdinger"? Or "dungarees"???).
5. You'll never have to think about getting a different haircut after reaching the age of 65.
6. All of your belongings will eventually become valuable antiques.
7. Not caring what you look like anymore when you hit the beach.
8. Being out of touch with really vacuous celebrity culture.
9. Driving obnoxiously large luxury cars.
10. Using the excuse "my hearing's not so good anymore" so you can blast your music as loud as you fucking please.

List Thirty Four.

A list of things that would probably be different about living in another dimension:

1. When flushing the toilet, water will both flow counter clockwise and regular clockwise, depending on its mood that day.
2. Birds will no longer fly, but jump very, very far from one object to the next.
3. Instant foods will instead require thirteen extra minutes of preparation time to make.
4. The letter C will now make the sound of a J, but J would still sound like a J, but quieter and with a slight lisp.
5. Sweaters will be articles of clothing that simply make you sweat, but not necessarily keep you warm.
6. Trash will take itself out.
7. Australia's capital will be called "Australiaville."
8. No one will find mice even remotely cute.
9. Libraries will be institutions that borrow books from you.
10. Clouds will be made of cotton candy but it will still rain regular rain, only it would be pink.

List Thirty Three.

A list of things that become holy once exclaimed:

1. shit!
2. fuck!
3. cow!
4. moley! (or moly)
5. mackerel!
6. smoke!
7. crap!
8. cannoli!
9. balls!
10. hell!

List Thirty Two.

A list of terms that get grammatical nerds hot and bothered:

1. Gerund.
2. Apposition.
3. Interpolation.
4. Dangling participle.
5. Parallel structure.
6. Comma splice.
7. Dependent marker word.
8. Phrasal verb.
9. Modal verb.
10. Passive voice.

List Thirty One.

A list of numbers found in the sequence of pi:

1. 8
2. 4
3. 9
4. 1
5. 0
6. 2
7. 6
8. 5
9. 3
10. 7

List Thirty.

A list of endangered things (i.e., things you don't see very often but wish you did):

1. Typewriters.
2. Non-yellow taxi cabs.
3. Fruit stripe gum.
4. Wax lips.
5. Scratch and sniff objects.
6. Salads whose contents aren't overwhelmed by (disgustingly bland) iceberg lettuce.
7. People dressed up in costume.
8. Robes.
9. Poltergeists.
10. Hot-dog shaped dogs.

List Twenty Nine.

*A list of things where less is definitely more:

1. Pimples.
2. Felonies.
3. Wedgies.
4. Messes.
5. Garlic.
6. Insults.
7. Commercials.
8. Stink bombs.
9. Mosquitoes.
10. Snake bites.

*This was supposed to be Tuesday's posting. Therefore, there will be two Wednesday postings.

List Twenty Eight.

A list of things that go up:

1. Elevators.
2. Balloons.
3. What.
4. Spirits.
5. Arrows.
6. Beams (hint: think about Scotty).
7. Happy dog tails.
8. See-saws.
9. Hands.
10. Mountains.

List Twenty Seven.

A list of things that cause cancer which scientists have not discovered yet:

1. Tables
2. Tote bags
3. Other people
4. Hugs (yes, this is different from other people because you can give yourself a hug)
5. Spiral notebooks
6. Scissors
7. Vowels
8. Wind
9. Napping for 15 minute periods
10. Fingernail clippings

List Twenty Six.

A list of things that average people can already do, but these certain animals performing them would be amazing to see:

1. A porcupine writing its own name.
2. An octopus putting a crab in a jar.
3. A parrot correctly and consistently identifying the difference between red and blue.
4. A dog dialing 911.
5. A bunny playing Chopsticks on the piano.
6. A koala braiding someone's hair.
7. A bear jumping rope.
8. A kangaroo fishing with a fishing pole.
9. A giraffe walking along a straight line.
10. Giraffes in general, actually.

List Twenty Five.

A list of clothing items that men should avoid wearing:

1. Socks scrunched around the ankles.
2. Visors.
3. Pleated pants.
4. Shirts with "ironically misogynistic" phrases.
5. All athletic wear if you are not doing something athletic: this goes for gross running shoes, sweatpants and tacky striped nylon windbreaker-things.
6. Zippered shirts, especially those that only zip from the top of the collar to the mid-chest region.
7. Sandals - this excludes flip flops if you are at the beach.
8. T-shirts tucked into the jeans.
9. Backpacks - why, are you still in sixth grade?
10. Long-sleeved shirts tied around the waist.

List Twenty Four.

A list of musical artists / bands who might have missed their calling to be children's books:

1. Say Hi To Your Mom
2. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
3. Rex The Dog
4. A Sunny Day In Glasgow
5. My Brightest Diamond
6. Johnny And The Moon
7. Volcano I'm Still Excited!!
8. Saturday Looks Good To Me
9. Oh No! Oh My!
10. Monster Bobby

List Twenty Three.

A list of words that most likely don't belong in a pirate's vernacular:

1. Sequins
2. Potpourri
3. Fabulous
4. Taffeta
5. Doiley
6. Ylang-ylang
7. Sensual
8. Cosmopolitan
9. Pentameter
10. LOL

List Twenty Two.

A list of suggested names for Shannyn Sossamon's next child:

1. Catheter Tube
2. Marine Biology
3. Industrial Park
4. Terabyte Harddrive
5. Car Battery
6. Vacuum Cleaner
7. Combustion Engine
8. Outer Space
9. Electrical Current
10. (my personal favorite:) Ultra Violet (...Ray?)