List Twenty One.

A list of methods of transportation to avoid:

1. Any of the following rivers: Styx, Phlegethon, Lethe, Cocytus, and Acheron.
2. Two-toed sloths.
3. Any untested time machine.
4. Cars missing their engines.
5. Bikes missing their brakes.
6. Amelia Earhart's Lockheed 10E.
7. The Titanic.
8. Skydiving without a parachute
9. With your diarrhetic
10. AND FINALLY THE WORST OF ALL - THE STUPID GREYHOUND BUS SYSTEM BECAUSE THEY TAKE FOREVER AND ALWAYS BREAK DOWN.

List Twenty (for Claire).

A list of Justin Timberlake lyrics that are either ridiculous or unnecessary:

1. I think she's ready to blow / Must be my future sex love sound
2. They call me candle guy / simply because I am on fire
3. When you cheated girl / My heart bleeded girl
4. Let's watch Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives / Simon says touch yours while you touch mine
5. Ridin' in the drop top with the top down / Saw you switchin' lanes girl
6. Hi my name is Bob and I work at my job
7. In the mall kids, "that's how the chain glow" / Point to her they say, "wow, it's the same glow" / Point to me I say, "yeah, it's the same dough"
8. Said the air is thick / it's smelling right / So you pass to the left and you sail to the right
9. When you took my hand up so calm / Touched it to your cherry lip balm
10. I wanna be your lake / for your bay / And any problems that you have / I wanna wash 'em away

List Nineteen.

A list of animal combinations are pretty fun to say (and imagine!)

1. Beaver + Caribou = Beaverbou
2. Falcon + Centipede = Falcopede
3. Platypus + Spider = Platypider
4. Kangaroo + Raccoon = Kangaccoon
5. Hummingbird + Walrus = Hummingrus
6. Tarantula + Cicada = Taranticada
7. Manatee + Giraffe = Manaraffe
8. Narwhal + Flamingo = Narwhingo
9. Dolphin + Nematode = Dolphitode
10. Albatross + Chinchilla = Albachilla

List Eighteen.

A list of measuring units that are seeking a comeback (in that fast-paced world of size and scale!):

1. Zeptometer.
2. Smoot.
3. Kilodalton.
4. Avogram.
5. Pulgada.
6. Palm.
7. Fathom.
8. Barleycorn.
9. Jigger.
10. Chaldron.

List Seventeen.

A list of things your cell phone would like for Christmas:

1. Ear muffs.
2. An all-expenses paid trip to the Pitcairn Islands.
3. A manicure.
4. An old-fashioned address book or a T1-83 calculator.
5. A copy of James Joyce's "Ulysses."
6. Gold's Gym membership.
7. Shag carpeting.
8. Custom-fitted cashmere scarves.
9. A mix CD of songs more than 30 seconds long.
10. A cell phone of the opposite sex.

List Sixteen.

A list of products that I would bring to fruition if I owned the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" company:

1. I Can't Believe It's Not Margarine!
2. I Can't Believe It's Not Water!
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Tofu!
4. I Can't Believe It's Not Salad Bag!
5. I Can't Believe It's Not Condoms!
6. I Can't Believe It's Not Toilet Paper!
7. I Can't Believe It's Not Mouthwash!
8. I Can't Believe It's Not Knife!
9. I Can't Believe It's Not Catfood!
10. I Can't Believe It's Not Car Insurance!

List Fifteen.

A list of the most spectacular letters in the alphabet:

1. W - The only letter that takes THREE SYLLABLES to voice!
2. M - No matter which way you turn it, it's always a usable symbol (M, W, E, 3)!
3. C - Besides W (which clearly is the specialest), this is the only letter that doesn't make its sound when voiced!
4. Y - It's penultimate AND it's a question!
5. U - Like why, it also doubles as a real word!
6. O - If you lay two o's side by side, you get INFINITY but if you leave just an o by itself, you get NOTHING!
7. I - For those times that you feel selfish or acting like an optometrist!
8. K - What C as aspires to be, but isn't James Dean-y enough to go through with it!
9. V - It's the Roman numeral for 5 AND it points in a direction (A doesn't get this position because it's got a distracting bar in the middle of it)!
10. L - It can sometimes be confused for "I" or even "#1" but when capitalized, it's really a secret agent for the Half Square Association!

List Fourteen.

A chronological list of things a loud-mouthed worker at a Dairy Queen publicized from between 5:30-5:45 PM on 11.21.07:

1. How much he liked the (TERRIBLE) Gwen Stefani song on the radio.
2. That he was going on a date with not one, but TWO girls later that evening.
3. It's appalling that his co-worker didn't know who "Whitey" was.
4. But he couldn't watch "Eight Crazy Nights" with his co-worker to educate her tonight because also? He was going to a "shin-dig."
5. He skipped the first two periods of school the other day.
6. In order to do so, though, he had to forge the date from an old note written by his parents.
7. He was promptly busted last night when his mom found the forged note in his pants.
8. But he doesn't want to do his own laundry ever because that's lame.
9. He's going to leave at 7 o'clock whether or not his replacement comes to relieve him.
10. He's a prime specimen for alien abduction.*

*Shit, that last one *I* made up.

List Thirteen.

A list of things that you should avoid discussing with owls:

1. Knock knock jokes. There's nothing lamer to an owl than an extended "Whoooo's there?!"
2. And for that matter, singing, "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?" Afroman is a sworn enemy to all owls. [EDIT: One of the dudes from Baja Men was best friends with Afroman until Sir Calvin the Righteous, the Owl King in 2018, traveled back in time to murder said Baja Men man. Now, all there is for owls to hate is Afroman, and they do so loyally and passionately]
3. Asking if that house party they're throwing is going to be a "hootenanny."
4. Telling them that you liked their latest performance in the Harry Potter movie.
5. Daylight savings time.
6. Assuming that they can reenact that head-spinning scene in The Exorcist.
7. Rhetorically demanding if they were "raised in a barn." This is a very uncouth and uncultured move on your part, as almost all owls graduated from Yale.
8. Telling them to go to bed any earlier than 5 a.m. What, are you their mom or something?
9. Seagulls. It's like asking a Blood about a Crip.
10. Gushers, fruit roll-ups or any other similarly themed sugary product. Most owls have braces and don't want to be reminded of the days when they could eat such delectable products.

List Twelve.

A list of words that are difficult to make negative:

1. Believe!
2. Go!
3. Live!
4. Smile!
5. Love!
6. Exclamationpoint!*
7. Fly!
8. Laugh!
9. Create!
10. Cats!

*If you think that that's more than one word, you're a Negative Nancy.

List Eleven.

A list of things that I am allergic to:

1. Poison ivy.
2. Dust.
3. Mold.
4. Cats.
5. Dogs.
6. Pollen.
7. Cheap perfume.
8. People who are super dreamy.
9. People who are super dreamy and have girlfriends.
10. People who are super dreamy and have girlfriends and confuse the living owls out of me because they think that I understand but I'm actually just overanalytical so nothing makes sense.

List Ten.

A list of bad places to puke:

1. On a computer.
2. On someone's head (that you like).
3. On yourself.
4. On a cloud (why are you in the air?).
5. In space.
6. In a pool.
7. On your meal.
8. At your wedding while exchanging vows.
9. Onto the time machine you just invented.
10. At a "puking cure" convention that you are hosting.

List Nine.

A list of things that pet cats should not sit on:

1. Fire. Cats aren't cute when charred.
2. A bog filled with fleas and ticks. Self explanatory.
3. Their own catfood while you are trying to refill their food bowls.
4. Freshly painted objects... that you want to remain intact.
5. Laptops - who wants furdirt in their keyboard?
6. Clouds - just because a cat is fluffy doesn't mean it's fluffier than a cloud.
7. Magnets. Cats are actually robots and magnets will mess up their internal Cute-o-meter.
8. Any stuffed sharks. Unless you're a perv and you like cat on stuffed shark action.
9. The dashboard of your car while driving. They need to be steering, not decorating!
10. Your knife collection. If you have a cat that's not a robot, there is a chance that it's actually a furred-over balloon and you don't want to risk it popping.

List Eight.

A list of terrible ideas for "going away" presents (and a list of exceptions!):

1. A bag of cement*
2. Q-tips that you used to clean out your cat's ears**
3. Anything with that "-be-gone!" suffix, i.e. "Itch Be Gone!", "Bugs Be Gone!" etc.***
4. Expired pickles****
5. Underwater goggles to fit a chihuahua*****
6. An autographed thank you note******
7. An empty jewel case entitled "Erotic Lounge Mix"*******
8. A $100 gift card for Tower Records********
9. A mix CD featuring sounds of despair, torture, sobbing, and war sounds*********
10. A garden gnome full of oregano**********

*1. Unless the person is off to build a splendid driveway
**2. Unless the person is a vet student who's writing his thesis about ear mites
***3. Unless that person is particularly itchy or buggy
****4. Unless the person collects (what he hopes to be) antique pickle jars
*****5. Unless the person specializes in training small dogs to swim
******6. Unless the person is your biggest stalker. Hmm. I might have to think about this one.
*******7. Unless the person is Astra, the blogger behind this madness. Because, seriously, I spent 5 cents at a yard sale for this beauty. I laughed for a few days. It was great.
********8. Unless the person is going to a time traveler's convention to see what sweet records he can score in the recent past
*********9. Unless the person needs inspiration for his interview with Satan
**********10. Unless the person is going to enter an Italian cooking contest

List Seven.

A List Of Body Parts Tired of Being Ignored:

1. Cochlea.
2. Shoulder girdle.
3. Weenus.
4. Philtrum.
5. Halluxes.
6. Epiglottis.
7. Conjunctiva.
8. Thumb webbing.
9. Uvula.
10. Lymph nodes.

List Six.

A list of rejected colors from the rainbow (that we really should include):

1. Fuchsia
2. Chartreuse
3. Lavender
4. Robin's Egg Blue
5. Creamy White
6. Raven Black
7. Aubergine
8. Silver
9. Gold
10. Invisible New Color

(Please note that Khaki was not included. There is a reason that Khaki was not included.)

List Five.

A List of Things That Aren't As Cool As Panda Bear's album "Person Pitch":

1. Harry Potter.
2. Any other CD that's come out before, during or after 2007.
3. All of the icebergs in the Northern and Southern hemispheres.
4. That feeling of catching that pesky mosquito which has been plaguing you all night.
5. Marrying your true love.
6. Having a child with your true love.
7. Understanding the meaning of life.
8. Hanging out with God at the local supermarket.
9. Handing out with Satan at the local supermarket.
10. Finding that person who was your total arch nemesis in grade school and finding out that, not only are they a useless drug addict, but they actually secretly looked up to you and were a rotten communicator of his/her admiration for you. And then spitting on their face. After standing in front of them and making out with your movie star boy/girlfriend.

List Four.

A List Of Things Better To Do Than Read Harry Potter:

1. Throw away all Harry Potter books or paraphernalia.
2. Or, if you don't want to litter, return all Harry Potter books or paraphernalia.
3. Translate the phrase "Harry Potter is an insipid cult that is brainwashing the best minds of our generation" into the 6800 known languages across the globe.
4. Insist on calling Harry Potter "Harry Pooper."
5. Write thank you notes to J.K. Rowling for finishing her abominable series.
6. Bake a cake for each employee at your local bookstore who is tired of selling the latest Harry Potter, er, Harry Pooper installment.
7. If you're writing about Harry Pooper, spell it "Hairy Pooper" for extra chuckles.
8. If you run across an unguarded Hairy Pooper, recall your talent for projectile vomit.
9. Convince that terrible group "Harry and the Potters" to stop writing music. Tell them that J.K. Rowling hates music. She does. It's why she writes such terrible books - she's reacting to her dislike for things inspired by those who posses actual talent.
10. After purging the world of all things Hairy Pooper, pet your cat. He hasn't been getting that much love after your all-consuming hatred for Hairy Pooper and he needs attention.

List Three.

A list of things that too often have lists made for them:

1. Groceries
2. Things to do
3. Censuses
4. Countdowns
5. Your Netflix queue
6. Endangered species
7. Phone call bills
8. Recipes
9. Address books
10. Christmas letters to Santa

List Two.

A list of fruits to buy at the grocery story that will confuse your cashier:

1. Cherimoya
2. Passionfruit
3. Pomelo
4. Lychee
5. Rambutan
6. Physalis
7. Feijoa
8. Durian
9. Horned melon
10. Mangosteen

List One.

A list of things to call your cat (preferably large & male) that are really cute:

1. Furpants
2. Senor Fuzzface
3. Sir Tail-A-Lot
4. King of All Meows
5. Captain Fluffpower
6. Doctor McFurrykins
7. Chief Poops-In-Box
8. Colonel Darling-Soft
9. Lieutenant Fatness
10. The Purr Master

ABOUT THIS BLOG

Everyone likes lists, right?

Well.

A list of people that don't like lists:

1. Casper, the Friendly Ghost - in Ghostland, there's no internet, ability to hold a pen & write on paper, and the memory is too fleeting to hold for terribly long.
2. Archie - He can only get up to two because it's always between Veronica or Betty and boy, does he not like saying who gets the first spot.
3. Napoleon - not the one that you are thinking, but the third. His hatred of lists is often called "The Napoleon III Complex."
4. Bono - if he is not number one, even if the the list is "Who Has The Dumbest Sunglasses," he gets cranky.
5. The Grim Reaper - everyone always wants to know when they are going to die and in what order and frankly, that takes the fun out of it.
6. James McCutcheon - some guy in Idaho whose mother was killed by a list.
7. Christopher Columbus - really, he only hates shopping lists. He usually forgets oranges and that makes his wife mad.
8. Franz Liszt - this one is self explanatory.
9. Captain Kirk - they just have no use in the future.
10. Pluto - he never got over why Goofy is a dog but gets to act as a human... so what's the compelling argument to make a list if no one thinks that you're a person?

These are the only people that don't like lists. Be happy you are not one of them!