List Seventeen.

A list of things your cell phone would like for Christmas:

1. Ear muffs.
2. An all-expenses paid trip to the Pitcairn Islands.
3. A manicure.
4. An old-fashioned address book or a T1-83 calculator.
5. A copy of James Joyce's "Ulysses."
6. Gold's Gym membership.
7. Shag carpeting.
8. Custom-fitted cashmere scarves.
9. A mix CD of songs more than 30 seconds long.
10. A cell phone of the opposite sex.