List Thirty Nine.

A list of high-priced real estate if we lived in the world of cockroaches:

1. Under kitchen sinks.
2. Ramshackle buildings.
3. Sewer drains.
4. Garbage cans.
5. Darkened corners of garages.
6. Backyard compost piles.
7. Behind cardboard boxes in closets.
8. Basements of any sort.
9. Between stacks of cinder blocks.
10. With the boogeyman.

List Thirty Eight.

A list of things that are invisible:

1. Flatulence.
2. Ghosts.
3. The invisible man.
4. Honking noises.
5. Neutrons.
6. Certain lolcat accessories.
7. Deep thoughts.
8. Electronic pet fences.
9. Clever chameleons.
10. Gamma rays.

List Thirty Seven.

A list of marvelously useless microcosmic actions:

1. Searching the term "google" on google.
2. Inviting yourself to an instant message chat.
3. Auto-cannibalism.
4. Spraying perfume on a bottle of perfume.
5. Doctors making appointments to see a doctor.
6. High-fiving an overhanging sign with the sole word "five" as its message.
7. Punching a bowl of punch.
8. Placing a toaster inside of an oven.
9. Visiting the "ATM machine."
10. Writing lists about lists.

List Thirty Six.

A list of things that North and South Dakota have in common:

1. The word "Dakota."
2. They were both admitted to the union on November 2, 1889.
3. They have the same state grass, which is the "Western Wheatgrass."
4. Lutherans make up the largest religious group in both states.
5. Approximately 2 percent of the population speaks German at home.
6. Interstate 29 runs through both states.
7. Their state capitals are not their largest cities.
8. Neither state has the last name "Fanning."
9. They share state borders with Minnesota and Montana.
10. At least 88 percent of the population is white.

List Thirty Five.

A list of things to look forward to when you get old:

1. Being expected to wear really heinous and/or outlandish clothing on days other than Halloween.
2. The legitimate ability to tell anyone to "respect their elders" and actually have it apply in your favor.
3. The potential to take out your dentures at inopportune moments and possibly embarrass your family.
4. The knowledge that a good part of your descriptive vernacular could make you sound more fascinating by default (how cool of a word is "humdinger"? Or "dungarees"???).
5. You'll never have to think about getting a different haircut after reaching the age of 65.
6. All of your belongings will eventually become valuable antiques.
7. Not caring what you look like anymore when you hit the beach.
8. Being out of touch with really vacuous celebrity culture.
9. Driving obnoxiously large luxury cars.
10. Using the excuse "my hearing's not so good anymore" so you can blast your music as loud as you fucking please.

List Thirty Four.

A list of things that would probably be different about living in another dimension:

1. When flushing the toilet, water will both flow counter clockwise and regular clockwise, depending on its mood that day.
2. Birds will no longer fly, but jump very, very far from one object to the next.
3. Instant foods will instead require thirteen extra minutes of preparation time to make.
4. The letter C will now make the sound of a J, but J would still sound like a J, but quieter and with a slight lisp.
5. Sweaters will be articles of clothing that simply make you sweat, but not necessarily keep you warm.
6. Trash will take itself out.
7. Australia's capital will be called "Australiaville."
8. No one will find mice even remotely cute.
9. Libraries will be institutions that borrow books from you.
10. Clouds will be made of cotton candy but it will still rain regular rain, only it would be pink.

List Thirty Three.

A list of things that become holy once exclaimed:

1. shit!
2. fuck!
3. cow!
4. moley! (or moly)
5. mackerel!
6. smoke!
7. crap!
8. cannoli!
9. balls!
10. hell!

List Thirty Two.

A list of terms that get grammatical nerds hot and bothered:

1. Gerund.
2. Apposition.
3. Interpolation.
4. Dangling participle.
5. Parallel structure.
6. Comma splice.
7. Dependent marker word.
8. Phrasal verb.
9. Modal verb.
10. Passive voice.

List Thirty One.

A list of numbers found in the sequence of pi:

1. 8
2. 4
3. 9
4. 1
5. 0
6. 2
7. 6
8. 5
9. 3
10. 7

List Thirty.

A list of endangered things (i.e., things you don't see very often but wish you did):

1. Typewriters.
2. Non-yellow taxi cabs.
3. Fruit stripe gum.
4. Wax lips.
5. Scratch and sniff objects.
6. Salads whose contents aren't overwhelmed by (disgustingly bland) iceberg lettuce.
7. People dressed up in costume.
8. Robes.
9. Poltergeists.
10. Hot-dog shaped dogs.

List Twenty Nine.

*A list of things where less is definitely more:

1. Pimples.
2. Felonies.
3. Wedgies.
4. Messes.
5. Garlic.
6. Insults.
7. Commercials.
8. Stink bombs.
9. Mosquitoes.
10. Snake bites.

*This was supposed to be Tuesday's posting. Therefore, there will be two Wednesday postings.

List Twenty Eight.

A list of things that go up:

1. Elevators.
2. Balloons.
3. What.
4. Spirits.
5. Arrows.
6. Beams (hint: think about Scotty).
7. Happy dog tails.
8. See-saws.
9. Hands.
10. Mountains.

List Twenty Seven.

A list of things that cause cancer which scientists have not discovered yet:

1. Tables
2. Tote bags
3. Other people
4. Hugs (yes, this is different from other people because you can give yourself a hug)
5. Spiral notebooks
6. Scissors
7. Vowels
8. Wind
9. Napping for 15 minute periods
10. Fingernail clippings

List Twenty Six.

A list of things that average people can already do, but these certain animals performing them would be amazing to see:

1. A porcupine writing its own name.
2. An octopus putting a crab in a jar.
3. A parrot correctly and consistently identifying the difference between red and blue.
4. A dog dialing 911.
5. A bunny playing Chopsticks on the piano.
6. A koala braiding someone's hair.
7. A bear jumping rope.
8. A kangaroo fishing with a fishing pole.
9. A giraffe walking along a straight line.
10. Giraffes in general, actually.

List Twenty Five.

A list of clothing items that men should avoid wearing:

1. Socks scrunched around the ankles.
2. Visors.
3. Pleated pants.
4. Shirts with "ironically misogynistic" phrases.
5. All athletic wear if you are not doing something athletic: this goes for gross running shoes, sweatpants and tacky striped nylon windbreaker-things.
6. Zippered shirts, especially those that only zip from the top of the collar to the mid-chest region.
7. Sandals - this excludes flip flops if you are at the beach.
8. T-shirts tucked into the jeans.
9. Backpacks - why, are you still in sixth grade?
10. Long-sleeved shirts tied around the waist.

List Twenty Four.

A list of musical artists / bands who might have missed their calling to be children's books:

1. Say Hi To Your Mom
2. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
3. Rex The Dog
4. A Sunny Day In Glasgow
5. My Brightest Diamond
6. Johnny And The Moon
7. Volcano I'm Still Excited!!
8. Saturday Looks Good To Me
9. Oh No! Oh My!
10. Monster Bobby

List Twenty Three.

A list of words that most likely don't belong in a pirate's vernacular:

1. Sequins
2. Potpourri
3. Fabulous
4. Taffeta
5. Doiley
6. Ylang-ylang
7. Sensual
8. Cosmopolitan
9. Pentameter
10. LOL

List Twenty Two.

A list of suggested names for Shannyn Sossamon's next child:

1. Catheter Tube
2. Marine Biology
3. Industrial Park
4. Terabyte Harddrive
5. Car Battery
6. Vacuum Cleaner
7. Combustion Engine
8. Outer Space
9. Electrical Current
10. (my personal favorite:) Ultra Violet (...Ray?)